My Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Or Spouse Says Hurtful Things

I hear this a lot from my clients.

Our words can be used to build one another up or to tear one another down – and many times without us even realizing it.

So many times I’ve spoken to a client who expressed being hurt by the words of their partner, only to see shock in their significant other’s eyes upon learning that what they said caused hurt feelings or anger.

That’s why it’s important that we take communication and contact seriously. Beyond the cliches and fluff, communication is important (though sometimes we would be better off to say less – but that is another article for another time).

So I’m going to discuss some simple ways to keep from hurting feelings, arousing anger, or causing confusion.

Say What You Mean

Being clear but also saying enough is so important.

I’m amused but frustrated at the same time when I so often see people who are self-proclaimed “great communicators” who expect their boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse to read their mind.

If you believe yourself to be a great communicator, do not expect anyone else to read your mind.

Instead, use your words. Use your skill to make things clear.

Don’t leave things open to interpretation or chance. Your significant other’s feelings and how that can impact your relationship are too important to leave to assumptions and pettiness.

Refuse To Make Generalities

In other words, don’t say things like, “We always do what you want to do.”

Or “You always say that.”

It’s not productive and will lead to defensiveness which, in turn, leads to a fight of words.

Focus on the issue at hand with calmness. Remember who you are talking to and, as I suggest with so many other areas of relationships, use this as an opportunity to turn it playful.

The best relationships embrace humor and lightheartedness when possible and appropriate.

Don’t Yell or Raise Your Voice

This is so important.

Yelling not only causes fights and hurt feelings, but causes immediate physiological and emotional reactions in the person being yelled at (or who believes that he/she is being yelled at).

It can cause the other person to feel that they are not valued by the person yelling at them.

It can cause a person to feel in danger even if logically they realize that they are not.

In children especially, it can cause the other person to feel that you don’t like them.

So if your partner (or anyone) can’t hear you, to avoid it even seeming like you are yelling at him/her, get closer or turn directly toward them.

This is another opportunity to make things playful. Always look for a way to turn away from anger and to go down a better path.

During an argument the adrenaline produced can make us more likely to yell because our body feels that “fight or flight,” response.

Fight against it. Value the other person enough. Research shows that yelling brings long term harm. That is an article for another time but treasure the person you love enough to choose your words and your presentation of those words carefully.